How to Feel
by vampeyy
Summary: When Stevie falls head over heels for a girl she really shouldn't, she ends up at a party you wouldn't expect to find her at normally. But when she attempts to let out her feels, it is a bit rough, and takes a very interesting turn, filled with blood, falling and paper. How fun.


**I don't really know what to say about this story. I don't even know how I feel about it anymore. If you like it, that's cool, thank you for liking it, but if you hate it, I wouldn't blame you. But I hope you can at least enjoy reading it. I really need to get back into writing...**

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_Dear No Longer Blank Sheet of Paper,_

_What am I doing here? Really, I mean, this IS Molly's party. I can't stand that witch. Not only that, but I could very well be messing with my friendship with Gravity 5. They don't know I'm here, I couldn't bare telling them and seeing their faces. I ditched band practice for this. Is this all worth it? I keep asking myself this, but when I look up, I see why I came. I see why it was worth it. That damn blonde._

_I can't stand her. At least, I tell myself that everyday of my life. But in reality, I'm crazy about her. I would do anything for her. Hell, just looking at her now while writing this is killing me. She's so perfect, even when she's drunk._

_I don't know who brought the alcohol, but whoever did is genius. Never would I ever want to be here and actually contemplate talking to her on my own, but knowing she's so drunk she won't remember anything tomorrow is kind of a relief. But yet, I've been here almost two hours, watching her down drinks like no ones busy, and I still haven't been able to get the courage to go up to her and talk yet._

_I really want to tell her everything. How I can't bare talking to her, even though I have to do it all of the time. How everytime I see her walk by, trailing behind Molly, my heart breaks slowly. It hurts. Molly gets to be with her all the damn time, but treats her like crap._

_I just want to confess everything. But at the same time I don't. I know she's so drunk, but what if she does remember. What if..._

_Oh God, I just looked up again to see her. Her smile..it's so cute. I swear my heart just skipped a beat. Why does this happen? Why do I like her so much...? I DON'T EVEN TALK TO HER! Why am I so madly in love with this blonde haired girl?_

_Sigh...I just want to hold her. And hug her. Just be with her. Wrap my arms around her and never let go...Be so close I swear that I can feel her heart beating. I can't forget her lips too. I want to be so close to her that my face is just an inch away. So I can kiss her, feel her lips on mine. That's all I need, I swear. Even just once...Tonight... Just...I want to be with this girl so bad, but I know it won't happen. It never will..._

_I can try telling her though. I want to tell her. Everytime I try getting up to talk to her, my legs give in, and I find myself back in my seat. I'm truly a wimp inside, I know this. But I have to find it. I want to go over now and talk to her. There is no one there. She's so drunk...someone needs to be with her. I can't pour my heart out to a piece of paper, I should just...I need to tell her. Or I may explode. Not even writing this can get out how I feel..._

_I am just so in love with this girl, that I can't figure out what to do with myself._

I read over the note I read. Is that really me? I don't know, but the sound of Stevie Baskara, the toughest girl at Brewster High School being so soft over something. But that something just happens to be one of the girliest people that is all cupcakes and unicorns. So out of character. But I can't help it. I can't help how much I like Grace. Especially when I don't even know why I like her.

I stuffed the note in my pocket and got up. As soon as that happened, I felt my legs starting to give in. No...not this time. I have to go to her. I know I may never get this chance again. And it's so perfect, she won't remember. I hope. Slowly, I found my strength in my legs. I felt like I was crawling over to her, it was so slow, I didn't even know if I'd ever get there.

Somehow though, after what felt like an hour, I found myself in the seat next to her.

"Hi Stevie!" Her word kind of dragged on. But in my mind they burned. Like everything she has said to me.

I frowned. "Hi Grace..." My heart started beating out of control. I really didn't know what I was doing. I couldn't figure out how to move the conversation on. One way or another I would. I don't know how though.

She we sat there in silence for a few minutes. But I turned to her and opened my mouth to speak. My eyes found hers, and everything stopped. I didn't know what was going on, I couldn't hear the music, or the voices around talking anymore, all I knew was her. She was the only thing there.

"Stevie?" I was so out of focus, but I could hear her saying my name. "Stevie...are you okay? Are you...you...I want another drink." And like that, she held her cup in the air. "Someone? Anyone?! I need a driiiinnnnnkkkkk!" Her voice was screeching, and almost terrifying.

This boy came from nowhere, and poured something into her cup. Grace gave a smile and took a sip from the cup. To be honest, it hurt watching her do this to herself. I don't know exactly how much she had already, but I know it couldn't be good. I feel like she is going to get alcohol poisoning, but it wasn't like I could stop her...

"Stevie! play a song, I want entertainment!" Grace nodded to herself and giggled. "Pleaaasseee!"

I honestly did not know what to say, she was so drunk. "I don't have an instrument here to play."

Grace frowned. "Then siiing! Do something. I want you to play for me!" She took another sip. "Wait...I know!...no...no I don't. Just sing!"

I could feel the pain in my chest growing. It hurt so much seeing her like this. I mean, if I did have a bass, or violin or something, I would play for her, that would also spite Molly too, but I didn't. My bass was at school and my violin was at my house. I wasn't going to sing either, even if I wasn't too terrible at it. "Grace, not now." I sighed. This conversation would get nowhere. No point in telling her now. I stood up to leave, but my legs wouldn't move.

"Why of you leaaavvvinngg?" She stood up next to me and grabbed my wrist with the drinkless hand. "If you're not going to play music, we can at least dance!" When she turned to go to the dance floor, she stumbled on nothing you could see. Probably from her own drunkenness though.

My attempt to grab her waas in vain, and she crashed to the floor, bringing me along with her. I was okay, she was kind of my cusion. However, she took a nasty bang on the head. I could hear it even through the music. Some people saw, but they didn't do anything, everyone was pretty much too drunk to care.

I got up and pullled her up. There was blood gushing from her head, so I decided to help. Unfortunatly, I could find no napkins to use, so the first thing I thought of was to use the blue sleeve to my shirt. My arm went up to her head, and my other one wrapped around her waist. "Come on, let's go." I started dragging her across the large room, Grace was too out of it to know what the hell was going so I was doing all the walking pretty much.

The party was at some cabin Molly's parents had rented out for the month, so I took Grace to the quietest room I could find, which was on the second level of the house...and was a bedroom. Oh the joys of this party.

I sat Grace down on the bed and moved my arm away from her head to find a towel. Lucky me, there was one in the nearby bathroom. No more using my sleeve. When I came back into the room, Grace was looking at herself in the mirror. "What happened to me?! I look like a herd of unicorns attacked my face!"

"You look fine Grace. You just fell. Now sit down and let me try to help you." I had to be honest, even though she was covered in blood, she looked scary atteractive. Maybe it was just me, or just the fact I could never find her unatteractive, but the blood did not take away from her beauty at all.

She did as I said and sat down, it took her a little while, and she couldn't really walk in a straight line, but she made it there.

I inspected the girl's head, but her blonde hair was matted in blood, it made it hard to find where the cut was. All I knew was it wasn't too deep, or I'd expect to see something. At least, my teenage experiance with booboos told me that.

"Does this mean I can't have a kitty?"

The words kind of took me by surprise, even though they really shouldn't have. "What?"

"My parents said if I was good, I can get a kitty. Was I not good?" I could hear the disappointment in Grace's voice.

I moved the towel from her head, most of the bleeding had stopped. "No Grace, you're a perfect angel, you did nothing wrong." Of course that was a lie. She's underage and drinking, but I wasn't going to say it. "Just, don't go to sleep, okay?"

She nodded, obviously she had no clue really what was going on. "Why are you helping me Stevie? I thought you didn't like me."

Well, it was now or never I guess. She set me up to the perfect confession. But I didn't feel ready for it yet. I didn't know what to say. "Grace...I..." It wasn't going to be that hard, she wouldn't remember. "Grace, you know what? No Grace. I do not hate you. I am mean to you, I know it. I turn away from you and I don't like you near my friends. But why? Because Grace, I am insanely in love with you. I hated it so much, I didn't want anyone to know. For the longest time I would deny it. I didn't want Gravity 5 to find out, because what would they do? Nelson is your puppy, he is just so into you. I just would have felt bad if he found out. I wouldn't want him hurt, and at the same time, I would feel like I'd lose my friends. Hurting him, losing them, and for what? A girl that would never like me back? I don't know about you, but I think that would just be terrible. That is why I couldn't accept it. That is why I've been so cold towards you. I don't now how this started, maybe when I was in the Perfs and you were so hurt, or maybe when Molly wouldn't let you sing during battle of the bands, I don't know what it was, but I know something made me start caring for you. Whatever that was, it has taken me through the craziest rollercoaster ever, and I want off, but at the same time, it feels good. It feels good being able to love someone. Even if nothing will ever come of it. Grace, I know you won't remember any of this in the morning, but I really do love you. Deep down, no matter how I much of a jerk I am to you, I really am in love with you. I would do anything to prove it, andI really would do anything to be with you, but I know that won't happen. I just want to be there to hold you and protect you. Even if that means I can't directly be with you. You are the reason I can tonight, and you will be the reason I do almost anything, whether I want to or not. No matter how creepy that sounds. I'm sorry Grace, but I am in love with you." After speaking, I took a deep breath. I don't think I had ever talked that fast in my life. My eyes turned to her and I watched as she slowly turned her head to the side.

"...What?" The poor girl probably had no idea what I said. I knew she wouldn't, through the fact she was drunk, and the speed of my words, there was no way she would comprehend what I had said.

"Nothing, it's nothing." I turned away and stood up.

"No Stevie, tell me." Wow, the demandingness in her voice took me by surprise. "I don't care if you don't want to, just tell me."

My body moved back to her. I knew I shouldn't do what I was about to, but I didn't really care, I didn't want to talk, but I wanted her to know. I bent down, until I was level with her. My eyes never lost sight of what they were looking at. I don't even know if she was saying anything now. I placed my right hand on the back of her head and I went forward until my lips met hers. At this point I really didn't care anymore. I mean, she wouldn't remember, right?

After a few seconds, I went to pull away, but she stopped me. She reeked of blood and alcohol, but I didn't care. Even though that's all I could taste now too. Grace wrapped her arms around my neck. She pulled her head away for a moment, I could hear her whisper "You're not going away now." Then her lips were back on mine.

My mind was probably functioning at the same amount her's was. Because if I was thinking, I would have pulled away. If she was thinking, the same would happen. But clearly, neither of us were thinking. I didn't really care though. I mean, I was kissing the girl of my dreams, I was not going to complain. I felt so warm on the inside, just, even though I knew this meant nothing, it was a good feeling. Probably one of the best things I've ever experienced. That is lame sounding, at least to me, but it's okay.

Grace again pulled from me. She stood up and walked to the open door. "Yeah, I'm just going to close this." There was a loud slam. "And lock it." When she was done that, she walked back over to me. She pointed at my sleeve, the same one that I had used to cover her head. "That is gross. I want to fix that." So her solution to fixing it was pulling my shirt off.

I was just way too much in a daze to really realize what was going on. I was kind of just going along and playing follow the leader. So I grabbed the bottom of her shirt and pulled it off. What is wrong with me? I have no idea...

"I like this better." Grace giggled and looked at the mirror again. "We make such a great couple you see!" She put her arm around my waist and used her free hand to point. "But want to know how to make this better?"

I turned to her and shook my head. I swear, whatever was going through my mind, it clearly wasn't intelligent.

"If everything else was off." Again, she giggled and her hands moved across my back. To be honest, I didn't even know what was going on anymore. I was seriously just standing there, letting her do as she pleased. The next thing I know, is that my clothes were pretty much off, and she was pushing me onto the bed.

It wasn't until she started undressing herself more that I snapped back to reality. "Wait...Grae what are you doing?!"

She gave a big smile, and finished taking off what was left to cover up her upper body. "Uh, I'm undressing you silly. What does it look like I'm doing? Milking a cow? I certainly hope not, because this would be awkward then."

I swear my mouth dropped open at this point. I used my hand to shield my eyes from her toplessness. I didn't need to see her naked anymore. "How is this not awkward already?" I then noticed I wasn't wearing a single piece of clothing, I grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around me, but Grace started fighting me.

"Come on Stevie! Just go with it. You're the one that kissed me! Why don't you like this?"

She had a point. But I knew why I didn't like it. It was the same reason I didn't want to kiss her. It was wrong. "Can you please put your clothes back on?" I frowned and grabbed her shirt and threw it in her direction...which was above me...

"No Stevie. I will not put my clothes back on. You do what you want. If you want to kiss me again, that's cool. If you want to feel me up, that's cool too. But apparently, if you want me to want you back and try being all dirty and everything, that's not cool. You know what Stevie I don't get you." She moved from her spot above me, which let me free. "You know, we can have sex and no one would know."

I jumped away from her. I was so confused, I just looked at her in shock. "What? Why would we...why would we do that!"

"Because, you know you want to. No one would know. We can do anything we want here." She again moved towards me. "No one will ever have to know."

Seriously, what the hell. I don't understand. "Grace you're drunk."

"Exactly! I won't even know tomorrow! Why don't you just come back here, and relax. Have some fun. Some very inappropriate fun that _no one_ will know about ever. Only you." So drunken Grace was...uh...interesting I guess is how I would word that. Okay, great.

I grabbed my clothes. "I would prefer not to Grace. I think I'm going to go home now." I started getting dressed. I was way out of my comfort zone. The only joy that I got from this was knowing she would forget about it.

Grace started screaming. "NO! Don't leave. If you do I will tell everyone." She whipped her phone out of her pocket and she started to play with it, I figured she was starting up a text. I would have stopped her, but I was trying to finish putting my clothes on. If I had realized she was taking a picture, I would have stopped her. But I didn't. Not until she turned the phone in my direction to reveal I picture of me. Oh joy, I was half naked. Great. "If you leave, I will send this picture to everyone. If you stay, I will delete it."

This kind of make me stop. It wa a no brainer what my answer would be. "Fine. I will finish putting my clothes on. You will put yours on, or at least cover up. I will sit by the door, and I will stay with you. Just don't send that picture to anyone."

She smiled. "Good. But I'm not covering up. You turned me down, so now I will bug you by doing this...in fact, I still have my pants on, let me fix that." So she did. Well, if by fix she meant strip down to nothing, then yes, she fixed it.

I turned away. I could feel my face turning red. No matter how much I liked this girl, it felt wrong to look. I took my spot facing the door and sat down.

She started saying things to me, but I ignored her. The paper I shoved in my pocket was sticking out of my jeans. So I pulled it out. I figured I might as well finish writing this messed up night down.

_Why couldn't I just have drunk? That would have been easier..._

I wrote until I couldn't write anymore. It was now two in the morning, and I couldn't stay awake any longer. Before doing anything, I called out for Grace. There was no answer. I figured she fell asleep. So I shut my eyes and drifted off, expecting nightmares to haunt my dreams.

I don't know what time I woke up, but when I did, I noticed the piece of paper I had written on was missing from its spot in my hand. I shot up and looked around. Grace was standing next to the bed, fully dressed, but holding the paper I was looking for in one hand. In the other, was her phone. I knew what she was looking at when her view changed from the things in her hands, to my face.

What now?


End file.
